"Remember The Carwash?" "Fend The Mences!"

Does one ever wonder, "Where do all the video vixens go?" My guess, probably not. At best, you might have some fleeting memory about "gleaming the cube" to some Paula Abdul video before you discovered sex was real and people videotape it for profit. Well, guess what? One of those vixen's is making her comeback and she's as sexy as ever! She goes by Themotherchick on youtube, seeing as how she was the girl getting chicken blood splayed across her in Danzig's original video for "Mother". Here's that video as a refresher:



Not bad for a late eighties/early nineties gal. Well, according to her, there's a scene from the video that didn't make it in of Danzig speaking over her head. Turns out, it was a curse and now she's got a little something to say to one Glenn Danzig. Do yourself the best favor and watch the whole thing. Seriously.



Oh, Glenn. How could you have ruined this poor woman's life with such curses as well as forgot "The Carwash"? For Shame, Danzig.

And to prove I still love you all, the best is yet to come. Feast upon the glory. Best parts include surprise tree involvment at the 1:00 mark and the revealing of secrets at around 1:37. Your welcome.



AND... since it's almost Christmas and I love you, how about one more that really sums up everything:

Food Brokerage + Old White People Rapping =

THE SUPER BROKER SHUFFLE!!!

Now I Totally Know How to Meet a Guy!

Ladies, men really are mysterious figs, amirite? Well, in order to help out the finer sex with that age old conundrum, "How to meet dudes", I present exhibit A, courtesy of the fine folks at www.filmdrunk.com



Now, get out there and put it all to the test! I wanna hear some success stories!

"Imma Let You Finish, But..."

If you know me, you know that I have disliked and sometimes outright hated Kanye West for forever. I refuse to talk about what he did at the VMA's,because it's ridiculous and it's the VMA's, so what does it really matter, eh? However, I am glad that everyone else has hopped on the hate train. Seeing as how there is truly a silver lining in everything, at least we got some great internet lulz out of the whole thing. here's some of my faves:

John Hughes, R.I.P.

Two days ago, John Hughes passed from a sudden heart attack at the age of 59. This dude is single-handedly responsible for everything that was cool and funny in the 80's. More so than the beloved status that his high school epics receive, these movies put teens in the forefront, showing the world that young people have a voice and that that voice wants to be heard. Hughes was also responsible for some of the best work John Candy ever did. In honor of this brilliant man, here's an ode to his fine fine films. i couldn't think of a better song to go along with them than "Baba O'Riley" by The Who.



Here's to you, John. I hope you and Candy are partying it up somewhere.

A Day with Man's Best Fri...BREAKDANCE FIGHT!!!!!!!!

My number one question: I Wonder if it really is Fabian? (cue Mr. Show sketch. 3:13 mark to meet Fabian. Well, the only Fabian that matters anyways.)

That's Racist! (and catchy as fuck, amirite?)

So, apparently Nas thinks, as many people do, that Hip Hop is dead, or at least on the verge. In fact, Nas and Nick "ugh, why do you exist?" Cannon got together to give us all a peek at the dark, hopeless road that Hip Hop is on as we speak. shall we?



That's right. You just saw that. It just happened. I think the worst thing about the whole thing is that it's seriously one of the catchiest songs EVER! What Nas almost missed was this, the actual future of Hip Hop following its steady decline.

Goddamn You, Tracy Morgan....

It is my firm belief that people that don't find Tracy Morgan funny are either dead inside or obviously nazis. This clip comes from a movie called "Totally Awesome", which is probably not an accurate title for this movie. It is, however, completely correct in regards to Tracy Morgan's ad-libs. I saw this clip today thanks to www.filmdrunk.com who sums it up best "...this collection of Tracy Morgan outtakes and ad libs made me laugh so hard I had a miscarriage." Seriously, hold on to your zygotes.

You Will Remember A Time When Dinosaurs Said..."HEY!"

This is an excellent formula: Dinosaurs + Hilarity = why i love the internet more than my own parents. It just has more to offer.



I can only hope that someone goes one step further and makes "Hey Girl! Jurassic Park" with little Ryan Gosling heads photoshopped onto the dinos. oh, to dream...

OMG GREATEST KEYBOARD CAT EVAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had thought on several occasion about posting the ever-loving glory of keyboard cat, but I'm lazy by the time I got around to it, it was already all over the interwebz. If somehow you have managed to not know what I'm talking about, do yourself the best favor ever and go to www.playhimoffkeyboardcat.com and play catch up. OK, good to go? Now, behold, the greatest gift the internet will ever give you.

Dumb Fucks on Treadmills (I'm Back!)

Ahoy! I know it's been an age since I updated. Leaving behind a single lifestyle really puts a damper on internet bullshitting. Alas, here I am, back and ready to entertain. I give you: dumb fucks on treadmills. The first one is definitely the best one. Ok, maybe the last one.

God's Top Gun: Bombing the Devil in His Dick!!!!!

Not long ago my friend Chris Lurie, who has his own most excellent blog at http://christhefurylurie.blogspot.com/2009/04/top-gun-for-god.html , posted this and said i should check it out. Being the procrastinator that I am, I only just now saw this most excellent of videos. You will believe God can make you into a jet, for the sake of furthering the kingdom. MAVERICK!!!!!!

Note to Self: Never Work in a Factory Ever!!!!!

My good buddy Jay sent me this little piece of random work-place horrors. It's over the top, completely absurd, and I love every second. best bit begins at the 2:10 mark.



favorite line; "If i wouldn'ta lost my temper, i wouldn'ta lost these."

OMGWTFBBQ!!!111!!!

If you are like me and love/hate the internet in any way, this video is for you. Thanks to www.filmdrunk.com for linking to this, and to collegehumor.com for making it.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Thanks Arthur!

I bet you dollars to donuts that this weather broadcast could be played in Haiti everyday and it would be correct. I hope that Arthur is a king. This is the original clip, and much thanks to my friend Kaleb for the heads up on it.



and since the internet does everything it can to maintain "BFFF" status with me, here's some re-cuts/edits that make you say "LOL"

Arthur and Spider-man:


Arthur VS Dramatic Chipmunk:


And my favorite... Arthur Takes a Piss:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

So, my buddy Ben let me in on this fine piece of movie preview gold. I think this could give Shark Attack 3 a run for it's money. With so much good, it's hard to narrow it down to one single scene as the best, but I'm gonna have to go with "Save me!" at 1:27

Rehdogg, I Think I Love You..

So, a couple days ago i posted some music videos by my new hero, Rehdogg. Well, it seems that Rehdogg has even more to offer the world. I take it upon myself to get that message out there. For your enjoyment...

100% Nightmare Fuel

I have absolutely nothing to add to this. just watch the whole thing. fml.

Um,...

props to my brother chris lurie for posting this. we are all the better for having it be a part of our lives.



UPDATE! I just found this video for "Blackened Chinese Man". Oh Lawd!

I Just Came Rainbows... "Where The Wild Things Are" Trailer FTW!!!

HOLYFUCKINGOMGSOGODDMAMNEDAWESOMESHITWOOTEVERYTHINGELSEICANSAYBBQFWAPJAWESOME


in other words, "mama likes"

For the Fuck of it...a montage of "Troll 2"

So, You Think You Know "Fresh"?

Fresh Prince Acoustic @ Yahoo! Video

Last night my good buddy Zach alerted me to the existence of this video, an uber-hipster/indie rendition of the theme song to "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air". The girl performing is Kay Pettigrew and you can check out her myspace here @ www.myspace.com/kaypettigrew It makes me wish for a redux of the show with Zach Braff in blackface as the lead and one day, on a very special episode, he rubs his face real hard and finds white underneath! The shock! The turmoil! Gary Busey would be Jazzy Jeff. Why? 'Cause fuck it, that's why!

(video found at warmingglow.uproxx.com)

"What Do You Say I Take You Home And Eat Your Pussy" ---Shark Attack 3

Being a movie fan as well as a giant nerd, i tend to often fall in love with "so bad they are good" movies. The more absurd or ridiculous, the better! Very rarely do you get a chance to stumble upon such bullshit majesty as "Shark Attack 3:Megalodon". The following video is a complete summary of everything you've ever wanted to know about sharks, their attacks, and what a girl really wants to hear whilst on a dock fearing that their is a giant prehistoric shark learning to hologram itself into the sea. MEGLA-WHO?!

$55.7 Million Dollars Worth of People Watches the "Watchmen"

That's how much money an R-rated, serious, un-happy ending of a movie can make in an opening weekend when you quit thinking that people don't want that. More proof that the closer you keep things to the way they are, the better they will fucking be.

Review to come later.

Internet, yr my best friend Pt 1

Seeing as how i am on the internet just as much or more than i eat, breathe, shower and sleep creep, I am constantly stumbling upon hilarious things that otherwise i would have never known about, or having a dear friend do me a solid and recommend something that's out there, waiting for our laughter. In hopes of you faithful readers not missing out, I'll post from time to time some of my favorite things:

Indian Thriller with "English Translation":


Scene from "Hard Ticket to Hawaii"





WWW.PETSINUNIFORMS.COM



Lastly, More Nic Cage Pics of Jawsome:

Gary Busey talks Hunter S. Thompson FTW

I genuinely can't think of anything worth saying that would help this be anymore awesome in any way, so please, watch the entire video, listen to the genuine fear in the interviewer's voice, for all the "busey-ism's", and ask yourself exactly just how that man has won an Oscar. Youtube hath disabled the video for embedding, so you'll have to go to the link yourself. here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-rE0dNV5Bo

to be kind though, i added a photo that's nearly as awesome. your welcome.

W.W.J.K.Livin.D. ?

Ok, so one day i came across the phrase "J.K. Livin: the J is for just, the k is for keep." and thought for one literal second, "WTF", and then swiftly went back to more important things like E-lurking and feeding my virtual pets. While discussing important things with a friend, aka making fun of other people drowning in their own sadness, it hit me that i should google "J.K. Livin" Lo and behold, i hit the fucking jackpot. If one were so inclined to visit http://www.jklivinstore.com/default one would not only be treated to a group photo including none other than Matthew McConaughey, but by scrolling down you just might discover the best mission statement ever:

"j.k. livin is not a rulebook, it’s a lifestyle, and because everyone can apply it differently, we decided to start the j.k. livin family, so you too, can apply j.k. livin to your own life, in your own way."

Um, holy awesome! Could life be this awesome? Did someone seriously write the above and genuinely believe that shit? Of course they do! This is America, where dreams of the rich constantly succeed at the expense of good sense and prime cocaine. Probing further into the area labeled "Hard Goods" (editor's note: "That's what she said!"), I discovered that they have fucking koozie's! I'm in! The koozie's even have their own bullshit description, with the best line of all,

"This design is an ode to America's birthday and comes in a four pack because it's more fun drinkin' with friends."

Amen, J.K. Livin. A-Fucking-men.

A Street Fighter Named FML...

In case you had no idea, for some awful reason, someone out there felt that what the world needed more than anything right now was ANOTHER Street Fighter movie. Rather than have anything to do with focusing on the game and its numerous characters, a la the Van Damme Street Fighter from 1994, this one is specifically "The Legend of Chun-Li", as narrated by Chun-Li with scene upon scene of "face-acting" by Chun-Li. Blarg. After seeing the film in it's entirety, i have no idea of what the fucking legend is supposed to be about. Chun-Li begins as a completely Chinese child that is gifted at piano and walking quietly. Her dad teaches her Kung Fu. Sometime in her early to mid teens, Balrog (Michael Clarke"Kingpin"Duncan) shows up and beats the shit out of Chun-Li's dad as M.Bison (Neal "Seen in Other Stuff"McDonough) makes his first appearance, which also features the first lion growl/roar/meow that you hear EVERYTIME HE SHOWS UP WITH NO FUCKING EXPLANATION. Together, they kidnap pops and Chun-Li's mom is forced to be a single parent, which apparently caused said mom to have brain cancer by the next time we see the now "possibly adult" Chun-Li(Kristen "Born in Canada" Kruek). Chun-Li has somehow over the years become half-chinese or simply no longer chinese at all. hmmm, weird. Anyways...blah,blah,blah, mysterious scrolls, spiderweb hand tattoos, slums of Thailand, Chun-Li hungers for dumplings and gang fights, and then all of sudden...welcome mother-fucking Chris "Keanu Reeve's Chud Brother" Klein. He plays Charlie Nash, a poor man's Christian Slater impersonating Jack Nicholson. Klein even goes so far as to throw in some Ryan Reynolds School of Smarmy acting here and there, to winning effect. "Nash Out" will forever live on in my head, and it makes me wish that the Don Johnson TV show "Nash Bridges" would have ended each episode with such a biting bit of dialouge. Anyways, we find out Bison wants to destroy the slums of Thailand and build nice houses in their place. Um, awesome? i mean, of course, now everyone wants to have a "slumdog" romance-capade, but seriously, this is as bad of intentions the M. Bison ever has at all anytime in the movie, except killing some dudes who owned the slums. They were impeding progress! i say that's a just kill. Fast forward through some awful training, fighting, the most un-erotic lesbian dance scene this side of Melissa Ethridge's Liberator, and we find ourselves in the midst of a movie that i have no fucking clue about what is going on. Seriously. For fans of the game, i recommend PLAYING THE FUCKING GAME. I can't believe this even made it to theaters. The only other "game"character is Vega and he is played by Taboo from Black Eyed Peas. Yes, those Black Eyed Peas. The true test will come in a few months when we get to see which is worse, this or "Dragonball". Oh, the excitement has me wet already. AVOID!!!!!!!!!

And So it Begins...

If yr reading this, i assume that you already know me. i love stuff. i hate stuff. i long to talk about both. this is where that's gonna happen for the time being. thanks for coming along for the ride. sorry it's not as awesome as the ride Mr. Tiny Arms is having in this sweet fighter jet. Huzzah!